Taking the piss out of awards and actors in one speech, Jerry Seinfeld gives the best acceptance speech I can recall.
Loved this long story from Seattle’s The Stranger on the giant Pacific octopus:
Brendan Kiley captures the octopus in such a wonderful way it’s hard to not want to see one soon in my Pacific freedives.
When we snorkeled in the Mediterranean we often saw octopuses. I pointed one out to Monique one time and as soon as I pointed it saw us and turned a bright red colour. Zounds!
- Moose Trained by
- Special Moose Effects
- Moose Costumes
- Moose choreographed by
- Miss Taylor’s Mooses by
- Moose trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance forms by
- Mooses noses wiped by
- Large moose on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, French, and ‘O’ Level Geography by
- Suggestive poses for the moose suggested by
- Antler-care by
No! Realli! She was Karving her initanals on the moose with the sharpened end of a interspace toothbrush givin to her by Svenge-Her brother-in-law-An oslo dentist and the star of many norwegin movies: “The hot hands of a Oslo Dentist”,”Fillings of passion”,”The huge molars of Horst Nordfink”
Mynd you! Moose bites can be pritti nasti….
What do you think are the odds that you will die during the next year? Try to put a number to it — 1 in 100? 1 in 10,000? Whatever it is, it will be twice as large 8 years from now.
This startling fact was first noticed by the British actuary Benjamin Gompertz in 1825 and is now called the “Gompertz Law of human mortality.” Your probability of dying during a given year doubles every 8 years. For me, a 25-year-old American, the probability of dying during the next year is a fairly miniscule 0.03% — about 1 in 3,000. When I’m 33 it will be about 1 in 1,500, when I’m 42 it will be about 1 in 750, and so on. By the time I reach age 100 (and I do plan on it) the probability of living to 101 will only be about 50%. This is seriously fast growth — my mortality rate is increasing exponentially with age.
Just in case you ever needed motivation to start doing the most important things in your life right now.
From Gravity and Levity.
The Rules of Fight Club
- You do not talk about Fight Club.
- You do not talk about Fight Club.
- Someone yells, ‘Stop!’ The fight is over.
- Only 2 guys to a fight.
- One fight at a time, fellas.
- No shirts. No shoes.
- Fights will go on as long as they have to.
- If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.
As elucidated by Tyler Durden (AKA Hobbes of Calvin and Hobbes):
If you’re interested, I’d like to see if you have what it takes to write copy for our branding den/ad grotto − and our progressive, independent-minded clients. We need a postcard written for a little neighborhood grill that just opened. It’s called Applebee’s®. They want to promote their Carside to Go™ service. Go crazy with it. Have fun. Push the envelope − and get some papercuts doing it. Ha-ha. But seriously, just make sure you adhere to “The Applebee’s®. Corporate Guidelines and Branding Policies,” which is a huge document. I’ll email you a PDF instead of printing it so I don’t have to write a post-Earth Earth posting on my blog. Damn, I’m clever.
Wonderful satire from the enduring McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Welcome to Our Branding House.
Surprised then didn’t go with BrandingHaus.
Brilliant cartoon parable.
When Cyrus Hassankola moved to Dallas a couple of years ago, after successfully going out of business in several locales, he decided to settle down and go out of business permanently.
“The response was good from day one,” the carpet salesman says.
Customers rooting through the stacks of oriental rugs in the store he opened on a busy road in North Dallas would sometimes say how sorry they were that he was going out of business. “We’re not,” Mr. Hassankola told them. “It’s just the name of the store.”
Love the little insights into consumer behaviour, pricing tactics and salesmanship.
From the Wall Street Journal: In Texas, There’s No Business Like ‘Going Out of Business’.
Like all of the best articles from The Onion, the headline tells the whole story, then the story keeps on giving. Peeling back layers, if you will. Adding details to delight.
“No one in my family really gets my worldview, so I find it easier just to smile and nod and agree with everything,” Wilmot said Monday. “When I’m with them, I tend to be a lot quieter than when I’m hanging out with friends.”
Wilmot, who grew up in Kalamazoo and now lives in Chicago, described the visit as “seven hours of self-censorship.”
“We’re totally not on the same wavelength at all,” Wilmot said. “I’m not just talking about dangerous subjects like politics or religion, but pretty much everything they bring up–the shows they watch, the things they buy, the people they know. So if someone says Daddy Day Care was hilarious, I may be thinking, ‘I can’t believe Eddie Murphy was once respected as a subversive comic genius,’ but I sure as hell don’t say it.”
Found via Rob Walker’s new Murketing tumblog.